


American Secrets

by shipping_in_a_sea_of_sobs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Avengers Feels, Ballet, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Foster Dad Phil, Found Family, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Principal Fury, Sad Harry, Shitty "uncle" ivan, Song Lyrics, cool older brother energy, i have not felt happiness since end game so please enjoy my pain, i just really love having found family content like this, lots of scrapes and bruises, they deserve a happy ending but idk if i can give them that, this is as stable as i have been lately, trying to impress the new girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28387923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipping_in_a_sea_of_sobs/pseuds/shipping_in_a_sea_of_sobs
Summary: "Please, don't leave me. Not again."A story of falling in love, finding a home, finding a family, despite everything feeling like it may never be possible to do.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov/Brock Rumlow, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Kudos: 6





	American Secrets

James let out a soft noise as the car door slammed shut behind him, the thud echoing through the cold air. It was harder each time, making that trek, but it was simply something he felt he needed to do. It was never an easy conversation, no matter how much it seemed like he was continuously repeating himself. Maybe she just never listened, maybe it was easiest to tune him out. Each word would cut him like a knife, and he was sure that it did the same to her, though she never let it show. He just wished he could be as emotionless as her. That he could get through the conversation without breaking down, without getting lost in how things once were, before it got here. 

James hadn't been planning to go that morning, not having one single ounce in him wanting to get up out of bed and face the world. He would much rather just lay under the covers and make pretend that the dream he had woken from was real. Rather than… this. Maybe she was finally over it. Maybe she didn't want to see him or hear him repeat countless phrases that meant nothing. 

_Too little, too late, Old Man._

It had been far too long since he had heard her call him that damn name, and of course, he missed it. He missed the jeering, the joking, things she hadn't done in years, and that was why he was sure she regretted every moment. Every little kiss, whisper, the moment they had shared, seemed to be tossed away and far from what had been when they were younger. 

Stupid decisions had led them to here, the snow crunching underneath his boots, the bag on his back thudding against him, questioning each step and whether he should just turn back now, pretend he hadn't been there. He paused in the driveway, quiet, glancing back to his car before he reached into his pocket to pull out the keys. The familiar jingle that it had made every single time he jammed his hand into his pocket brought him back to the moment. This was a mistake. She wouldn't want a damn thing to do with him. She hadn't for years. 

He couldn't do it. 

_This is a stupid idea. Leave. Now._

James's breath was visible in the air, fidgeting with the keys in between his fingers before he made up his mind. He was leaving. He quickly turned his back, trying to just make it back down to his car. It was such a bad idea, the grumbling underneath his breath matching each little squish of snow under his foot. 

_Don't turn back. Don't do it, you dumbass. Just leave. Don't come back. Get over it. Get over us._

The words stung, rattling around in his mind, but he knew that. He had heard them before when everything had felt right, safe, nothing like this. But they were true. They were the last few words she had spoken to him, that had any sort of passion, any sort of push to show emotions. When she seemed to care. 

He was halfway down the driveway when he heard the screen door swing open, though he didn't stop. Not until he heard the call, grimacing as he paused in his spot, questioning if he should even turn back. 

“Barnes?” 

James sighed as he stared at the keys, within arm's reach of his car door, of turning his back and just never coming back around. But something stopped him. Some… need to try and make everything right after all this time. He knew nothing would work, that no matter how many times he apologized, there was nothing he could do for everything he had done. For the mistakes he had made that had ruined so much. 

_Please don't leave me. Not again._

Her voice echoed, over and over, those six words rattling around in his skull, not quieting one bit. If he left, he wouldn't have to face all of this. He wouldn't have to sit in the silence and hope she would forgive him, would speak her mind, instead of the cold he normally felt when it came to the conversation. 

“Coming!” 

James frowned as he shoved his keys back into his pocket, sucking in a breath before he turned and made the walk back up the drive, his brow furrowing at the sight of the man on the front porch. That same hard stare that greeted him every single time he drove here. Every single time he backtracked and tried to leave. It was always there, a constant in it all, and it was almost reassuring. Not by much, but it was something for him to always know would be there. 

“You're late.” The voice was cold, which he should have expected. Phil was one of the few people who wouldn't take his shit. Not a single excuse, not a single apology. And sometimes, like now. That was exactly what he needed, what he always needed when he found himself in this exact position. Which happened often. 

“There's coffee, you know where everything is,” Phil spoke, glancing over the younger man, who just seemed disheveled compared to most times he did see him. He knew it was always a difficult conversation, and whatever was said was personal between them both. He just had to trust that the other man wouldn't be reckless again. 

James offered a smile, the best he could offer at that moment as he moved to grab two of the mugs. The smallest of smiles then, a real smile, fluttered along his lips as he poured the coffee. He had to get it just right, always tried to, and this was no different. That was something she had always picked at him over. 

_Really, James? Sugar and cream? Ridiculous. Black is the only way to drink it, Old Man. Surprised you don't have dentures already from the sweets._

That was what he had missed, every single moment. How much she poked at him because he was a little bit older because she was so much more stubborn, so frustrated and pouty when things happened. He would give anything for things to be how they used to be. Anything.

James frowned as he grabbed the mugs, looking down at them both before he forced himself to focus. He was there for a reason, and he just needed to suck it up. Things would never be the same, and he simply had to accept that was just how things were going to be from now on. How it had been for the last few years, and there wasn't much he could do to change it. 

The man settled on the bench, fidgeting as he sat his own mug down before he reached across and settled her mug in the same spot he always did. Had to be perfect, just for her. He had fucked up too many times to make _this_ messy, to screw it over like that. He needed to make it up, every single chance he could. Even if she didn't want a single thing to do with him, he was going to make it better, even if it was impossible.

“Маленький паучок.” His voice shook as he pushed out the little nickname, one that had always frustrated her. One that had caused her to roll her eyes, and tell him how she wasn't even close to little. Maybe she was in stature, but everything else about how was so much larger. Her eyes, her smile, her mind, her heart. She was absolutely everything to him, and somewhere along the line, he had ruined this. “Наталья,” he tried again, hoping for any sign that she was listening, paying attention. But the silence was exactly what he had been met with again. _**Again, and again, and again.** _Nothing had changed since the last time he had been here, it seemed, and he hated it. Every single moment. But he needed to be there, he needed to be there, and just try. As best as he could. 

“I missed you, I miss you, every single damn day.” 

_**Silence. So much fucking silence.** _

“I brought you some things. Some coffee. Those flowers you always loved, pricked me with a few of the thorns.” An awkward laugh left him as he glanced up while he dug through the bag. “And that ridiculous teddy bear. I found it in one of the boxes in my attic. Thought you'd have more use for it than me.” 

_**Silence.** _

James grew quiet then as he moved to grab his coffee, fidgeting it in his fingers before he took a sip, just trying to close any awkward moments, the silence, anything. Anything would be better than this. 

“I love you.” 

Silence, absolute silence. He could barely hear anything, except for the rustle of the snow underneath his shoes. It wasn't enough, the sound of silence just echoing the soft words that had been bouncing around his skull for far too long.

 _ **Leave me alone.**_ _Don't turn back. Don't do it, you dumbass. Just leave. Don't come back. Get over it. Get over us. Please don't leave me. Let's run away and never turn back. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes. Yeah, I like you, Old Man. I guess I don't hate you, dipshit. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. I don't believe in love. I don't trust anyone, let alone you. Stop bothering me. I don't want anything to do with you._ _**Leave me alone.**_

His head was spinning with her voice, waiting to see just what would be said. What her answer would be, when so many things had been whispered in the night between them, had been screamed at the top of their lungs, hurling compliments and anger. Anything. He would give anything to get a rise out of her, to hear her voice that had always made his head spin and his heart thud and his stomach churn. 

**_Silence. Nothing but silence._ **

**Author's Note:**

> This is just the beginning. I hope you enjoy x Thank you for reading so far


End file.
